Close your eyes. I'm here to make you famous. [entries|friends|calendar] Sassy. [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[02 Mar 2018|01:47pm] Friends Only From this point on, all entries will be locked. *Comment to be added* 32 READ|COMMENT

Winter time cleaning! [21 Nov 2011|01:31am] I just deleted 70+ friends off of here. Chances are if you have updated within the past month then you're safe and I still kept you added, however if I accidentally deleted you, or you are still active and just haven't had time to write and would still like to read my entries, just comment here. :) Some of the accounts I had on here hadn't been updated since 2005 so, it was probably time for you to go anyway. 2 READ|COMMENT

[09 Feb 2010|08:29pm] I've never had a jealousy issue before. I've never craved for things other people had. In a serious matter anyway. I've never let anything get in my way of anything. Jealousy wasn't my style. My guy friends would always tell me about their ex-girlfriends/current girlfriends and how they wouldn't let them do this or they wouldn't let them talk to who. My response every time, "Wow, that's fucked up." Those were the kind of girlfriends that I looked down upon. Those crazy freak bitch ones. I hated those girls. They were so fucked up. I'm turning into the exact kind of person I hate. I've never felt so insecure, jealous, distrusting. The sad things is, I don't even know WHY I'm acting this way. I've never been like this. I don't know if I'm making myself paranoid, if I'm just so afraid of getting hurt again or if I've just been watching too much Jerry Springer. My guess is a mixture of all 3. I hate being this way and it's making me feel so pathetic. I can't help but over-think and over-analyze everything. I just want everything to be okay. I know it will be, but I don't want to keep feeling this way. Like I can't trust. I feel like I'm almost just trying to fool myself now or something. I don't even know anymore. I was so, so happy. Now I've just been so miserable. This sucks.

[08 Feb 2010|08:45pm] I've been a licensed cosmetologist for nearly a week now. I had my first day of work orientation on Saturday. Only 4 hours, but it was fun! I can't wait to get a regular work schedule. I can already tell I am going to love this. It's crazy to think that my career has officially begun. Sometimes I still can't help but feel though that this isn't what I'm supposed to be doing because I still don't enjoy it as much as I used to, but this is a financial start. Josh and I went to the bowling alley for the second part of the super bowl last night. Met his parents up there, bowled a couple games. I'm completely terrible and he put me to shame, but he's on a bowling team and I haven't bowled in years. I didn't do too bad for being someone that never bowls. I was getting a little frustrated though because I take sports seriously, haha. Now I'm just waiting for him to get out of bowling and i am going to go get him from his house, cut his hair and go look at those things that hook up an ipod to a car radio because the one I have suuuucks. I need to kind of talk to him tonight about the trust issues I've been having. I already told him today that I feel like I can't 100% trust him. He's never given me a reason not to trust him, but at the same time I don't know why I'm feeling this way. I've never not trusted a boyfriend. I think it's because I care about him so much that I'm too scared to really let my guard down and risk getting hurt like I did with Kyle. He's so much better than Kyle, and I know that for sure, but I'm also still scared that I am going to get hurt. That, or I'm just watching too much Maury and Jerry Springer, which could be the case as well.

[27 Jan 2010|03:48pm] I wouldn't even be able to BEGIN to describe the weight that has been taken off my shoulders. Despite things going horribly with my grandpa and him going crazy and that whole fiasco, today is amazing. One step closer!

[24 Jan 2010|10:29pm] I don't think I could even begin to describe it if I tried my hardest. This is what should have been all along. This is what we both deserve more than anyone else in the world. I never knew a feeling like this could grow so quickly. I want to take every single second and every single heartbeat, stash them in a jar and save them for a rainy day. I want every detail captured. I want to remember every moment of laying next to each other, of creepy stares and snorting laughs. The most ridiculous things. I have never been able to see someone so much without getting tired of them. Ready to push them away and find someone else. But this time, it's so different. I want to spend every waking and sleeping moment together. It's all kinds of crazy when you really think about it. I've been through a lot the past year. More than what my mind can even handle. This feeling I have, right now, right this second, makes it seem like everything was worth it. Everything that's happened throughout my entire life. It's worth it. It got me to where I am today and to whom I'm with. I couldn't be more thankful. He makes me realize how much time I wasted on other people. I never knew someone like him existed. Or, not for me anyway. I've never met someone with so much respect for me and my decisions, my feelings, what I wanted and what I didn't want. Forcing nothing upon me and doing everything he can for me, just like I do for him. It's an even relationship. It's not one person trying harder than the other. It's not one person caring more than the other is. Everything is mutual. Most relationships don't end up being that way. You couldn't even wish for a relationship like ours. I know everything thinks my relationships are a joke because of what I have done in the past. How many I have just randomly left and a very short period of time. Well, fuck you guys, because you have absolutely no idea what those past boyfriends had done to me, and you have no idea whatsoever how completely different it is this time. You never will.

For people who don't understand the extent of my dream anxiety. [15 Jan 2010|02:50am] My brother was mad at me and I couldn't figure out why. So I kept asking him. And he wouldn't answer me. He just said he was going to hang himself because he hated everyone and everything. I was trying to help him, but I couldn't. He wouldn't listen to me. I started crying and he just stood there and laughed at me. He ran out the back door to this barn in our backyard, although we don't even have a barn, and I ran after him. I had hung a noose and he tied it around his neck. I tried to stop him. I begged him, I told him if he does it I'll kill myself. Then all of a sudden he just told me he was going to haunt me and kill me in 2 days. He slips and just hangs there...motionless, as I cry like a baby. The next thing I know, I'm at home alone, and there's blood everywhere, and I have scars all over my arms and stomache, and I'm holding a knife in my left hand. The doorbell rings and theres a man at the door and he hands me a note. It says "I will get you. I will kill you. You slut." And it's signed Dan, my brother. I sit down and cry. Then I wake up.

[14 Jan 2010|07:57pm] I kind of feel like I shouldn't be using LJ anymore. It's so outdated. A while ago one of my friends kept telling me it's all about tumblr and all that shit now. But I can't bring myself to stop writing in this. I've had it since I was 15 years old. How am I supposed to just not write in it anymore? I need to pick up a hobby. Like, a serious one. Like knitting, or helping with autopsies. Something of the sort. I'm watching the Wings game right now. Hopefully it will go a lot better than last game. That was just embarrassing. I'm not sure how I'm feeling about Howard as goalie at this point. Not after that last game. I know he is very good at what he does but I'm slowly losing faith in him. I admit I am a bit biased though because I have been a loyal Osgood fan basically since I was in the womb. Wings just scored. I am smiling.

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